WHAT AM I? THE STRUGGLE OF DEFINING YOURSELF AS AN EXPAT WIFE
Since we moved abroad I am struggling with naming myself. It is hard to classify the new “me” into a category. When people ask what I do, I feel the urge to explain myself as I am still unsure about my new “label”. It is actually weird that our society needs these kinds of labels to communicate with each other. However, not knowing your label makes it unnecessarily stressful.
In this blog post I will explain the emotional journey of an Expat Wife and the deep, mind-changing learning I drew out of that experience. My motivation behind this post and the blog itself is more than ever: Empower women who were bold enough to quit their job and joined their husband on their joint adventure abroad.
MY JOURNEY AND MOTIVATION BEHIND MOVING ABROAD
For those who are new to the blog, first a few words about myself. I am 31, born and raised in Germany and was happily living in the city of my choice Munich, together with our very close friends and my beloved companion. I have studied and worked abroad before and was in the 6th year of my Management Career when my partner came home with the proposal to move abroad.
As I have a huge passion for different cultures and I love to travel, I committed myself immediately to this new adventure. Consequently, I quit the job I was enjoying a lot, knowing that this would be a perfect way to support his career, while satisfying my own thirst for a new adventure.
In the meanwhile, we are living in the States, in beautiful Chicago, for almost one year now and each day is still a challenge, an adventure, an eye-opening event and I am very grateful for all that I have learned in the last 12 months.
WHY I CARE ABOUT MY PERSONAL LABEL: THE UNFLATTERING REACTION TO EXPAT WIVES
Getting my work permit and a job was more challenging than I would have expected it. Some options I had in mind did not work out as I thought and establishing a network and finding a job takes more time than I actually expected. Actually 12 months after our move I have created a profound network of friends and business partners. I guess it would be easier for me to find a job in my old industry now as network is really key when it comes to find a job abroad. However, I became inpatient in the meantime and my entrepreneurial mind started spinning around other ideas but that is a story for another time.
Let’s get back to the time I did not figure out yet what I was planning to do with my career and started to get familiar with my new surrounding. In my mind this is one of the most important phases of the life of an Expat Partner. While the Expat himself is occupied with work in an international context, the partner has to figure out what to do next and set new goals in life. This is not a honeymoon phase if you have basic underlying values which are challenged. In my case it was not having a career anymore.
THE STAGE IS YOURS: WHO ARE YOU THEN?
During that initial time, I met a lot of new people. And one thing is almost always identical – a presumably simple question at the beginning of each small-talk conversation: What do you do?
Very simple, isn’t it? For my husband, it is indeed. His position allows him a straightforward answer: I am working for xyz as an xyz. Common answer to that is normally: Oh, really interesting. So how do you like it?
Then they turn to me – „And what do you do?“
And at that moment the world stands still and everything is silent except my head which is spinning, working so hard on a straightforward answer. You can imagine little figures walking stressed from one corner to another discussing with great passion a suitable answer. But what is the suitable answer?
THE CLASSIC STEREOTYPE OF BEING AN EXPAT WIFE
Your past has vanished instantly and no matter what you did before and what sacrifice you made to come here, you now have to stand up against the old-fashioned stereotype of an Expat Wife. Some people think Expat Wives are spoiled, bored, sitting at home waiting for their husband to come home all-day long. Modern, career-oriented women will think that you betray feminism and all the progress women made to emancipate yourself and focus on your own career instead. But guess what, I am a career-focused woman and I have not given up on that only because I moved abroad to support the career of my husband. Somehow, it’s seen as the international equivalent of being a soccer mum. And when you google “Expat Wife” and “Alcohol” there is definitely a less glorious overlap.
Of course, all reactions are different and a lot of people are also very understanding and supporting. But somehow, I found that there is a common reaction which you can see in the eyes of the person you are talking to. In their eyes, I can see a mixture of pity, lack of understanding and/or lack of interest normally quickly summarized in their response: “Oh, okay – I see.”
LABELING THE EXPAT WIFE: WHAT OPTIONS DO WE HAVE?
As I continued to search the web for a new way to describe my situation, I came across some very unflattering name tags for our situation. I guess the worst “label” for me is the term “trailing spouse”. Then there is “Dependent” or “Accompanying partner” which are more descriptive.
However, none of the terms are showing the full picture.
WHY I CARE SO MUCH
With all these terms, I have my difficulties as they take away my own personality making me a 100% dependent on my partner. While it is true that I decided voluntarily to quit my job – it was actually a mutual decision. It was not forced on me – but offered. And I took this chance having been 100% aware of the potential consequences.
However, these terms make me unequal to my partner. I am represented as someone who is just a small part of something bigger and better. I more see myself as a supporter and enabler and not as a poor dependent who anybody should feel a pity for.
I am happy that I am enabling my partner to take this important career step.
I am happy for every day I can give him support and guidance in this jungle of working and living in another culture and business environment.
I am happy to give him the stability to overcome the cultural burden and to digest the huge amount of change that comes along when you decide to move abroad.
Moreover, I also feel that there is a lot of personal growth potential in my situation.
We should not face pity, lack of understanding or disrespect. We should be seen as brave human beings who decided to take on this challenge. That’s why I feel the terms “Expat Wife” and “Trailing Spouse” do not reflect the complexity of our situation.
In my opinion, it is time for a new term. A new way of identifying yourself when you are in a similar position.
I found articles who state that Expat Wives should call themselves Expats. And while I am sure I will find work someday, I am not feeling comfortable with this term in my current situation, while still searching for it. Maybe I should call myself Enabler as without me, we would most likely not be in this situation. However, it somehow sounds cheesy and might not fit to all of us.
MY PERSONAL EYE-OPENING MOMENT: FINDING PEACE WITHIN THE EXPAT WIFE ROLE
When you move abroad you will face an adjustment phase which can take a couple of months. The newfound freedom gives you the opportunity to reinvent yourself and search for hidden passions and interests. I learned that this takes some time and you should not rush through it as quickly as possible, as it will simply take as long as it needs. The important thing is that you take your time and be patient. Allow yourself to step away and listen to your inner voice.
Someday you will wake up and there will be a new purpose in your life. Whether that is indulging yourself fully in the new culture, learning languages, writing, photography or even a new job position.
For me, it was blogging. I got triggered by the idea to empower other women being in a similar situation and blogging about my experience abroad – this was something that felt right and reasonable. I still remember that eye-opening moment: We have been driving the car through a beautiful National Park in California. The Road was ahead of us, there was a cristel clear lake on the left and a forest to the right and I was once again spinning ideas around my brain. There was this one big number in my head: 1.5 Million.
1.5 Million women have chosen to move abroad for their husband’s work but have not been able to work again after quitting their job back home. There are so many women out there who are going through the exact same situation than me. No matter the country, the culture, the language – on a mental level we are all challenged by similar things. That was the moment I decided to do something about it. I started www.sharethelove.blog and couple of months later I started my training to become a coach.
The moment you start something that fulfills you, the term Expat Wife does not feel like a misunderstood burden but finally shows its true meaning: The opportunity to start over, to reflect and to follow your dreams.
"The term Expat Wife does not feel like a misunderstood burden but finally shows its true meaning: The opportunity to start over, to reflect and to follow your dreams"
CHANGE STARTS IN OURSELVES
I can see that this is no groundbreaking revolution – however, the moment you start to make the most out of your new situation, you will find peace with the label Expat Wife as it doesn’t feel like a stigma anymore but as an opportunity.
Nevertheless, it is still the negative public opinion we have to change. We have to stress the sacrifice we make and the braveness it demands to take this step. Only because I have personally found my peace, it does not mean it is easy. As it’s an adaption process there are millions of women out there who face identical obstacles like me and who have to look in the same pitiful eyes when introducing themselves to a new person.
This is what we have to change. To adjust our own personal opinion about our new lifestyle is the first and most vital step in the right direction.
And please, dear Expat partners, there must be someone creative in our huge community who comes up with a new powerful term that sums up our situation in a short, snappy sentence so that we can end this topic.
What do you think?
What are your thoughts on that topic? Have you been struggling the same or have different views about that topic? Would be great if you share your thoughts below in the comments or direct message me. Subscribe to the Share the Love Newsletter or follow me on Social Media.
If you are interested in other posts about being an Expat Wife check out my other articles on the blog below.
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36 Antworten
Here is an ex expat wife talking. 27 years in all kinds of places and loved every minute of it. Now back in home country.
Are you actually enjoying your life? Getting to know a new country, making friends, submerge in the local vibe, exploring the city and its surroundings, making the most of your holidays – the list is endless.
Or else emigrate!
Hi Beatrice, thanks so much for your comment! I do really enjoy living abroad! It just took me a while to find something to do abroad besides exploring the culture and city. When you have to start all over and find a new job it can be challenging. Would love to hear more about your life as an Expat and how you manage to work and switch places again and again.
Thank you for this blog post. It resonates so much with me. I’ve just this month launched my coaching business for „supporting spouses“ here in Dubai, where around 90% of the population are expats and the number of women who moved here as the wife of a worker is huge.
It’s so impactful the loss of identity you feel when you’re in this situation and it can be extremely challenging to settle in a new place when you have to create opportunities for yourself, especially when your husband has them handed on a plate!
So conflicting!
I totally agree with your perspective of it being an opportunity to recreate yourself and plunge into a new chapter!
Thank you for writing this. I have just written something very similar. I feel like I have lost my identity and I don’t want to be defined by my husband’s job nor do I want to be seen as a ‚kept women.‘ I feel the need to justify my existence to people I don’t know and who’s opinions don’t matter. I have done three international postings with my husband now. First not being able to work second being able too and now this one, not being able to. I’m struggling a lot more this time and hope to find my place.
Hi Kristie, thanks for sharing this! I am glad you liked the article! If you want t share your link please feel free to do so! Empowerment of Expat Partner is a very important topic for me. In my case coaching helped me a lot to see my options so I shifted even my profession into coaching as I am so convinced it can help. I also have written a career guide for Expat Partners with the help of Experts and other Expat Partners who have found their own path during that time. Maybe it could be interested to check it out: https://www.sharethelove.blog/careerworkbook
I wish you all the best and know that we are all going through similar obstacles and it is not you but the challenge itself that is to blame 🙂
Hi Kate,
ich bin in genau derselben Situation. Vor zwei Jahren bekam mein Mann ein Jobangebot in den USA. Ironischerweise hatten wir eigentlich geplant nach England auszuwandern, aber das Jobangebot war zu gut um es abzulehnen. Was ich allerdings unterschätzt habe, genau wie du, ist das Arbeiten in Amerika. Wir sind leider Hals über Kopf nach Amerika gekommen. Hier musste ich erfahren, dass ich keine Berechtigung zum Arbeiten habe. Da ist für mich eine Welt zusammengebrochen. Deshalb frage ich mich wie du es geschafft hast in den Staaten zu Arbeiten bzw. zu coachen? Ich habe mich bei Anwälten und anderen Einwanderern und Expats informiert, aber eine legale Möglichkeit zum Arbeiten hat sich dabei nicht gefunden. Wenn mich Leute Fragen was ich so mach, dann antworte ich immer meinen eigentlichen Beruf, den ich hier nicht ausüben darf, aber als Hobby weiterführe bzw. Mein Portfolio erweitere (für die Zukunft).
Ich habe mir schon einige Beiträge durchgelesen und muss sagen, dass du mir aus der Seele sprichst. Ich werde ich noch weiterlesen und Motivation finden. Es ist ein auf und ab.
Ich würde mich sehr über eine Antwort von dir freuen.
Hab ein wundervollen Wochenende
Anne
Hi Kate,
I love your blog! When we just moved to the UK I discovered this app called Deary! This app makes it possible to import your chat messages and it proposed the best ones!
I found some amazing messages I almost forgot about!
It is the perfect way to feel connected to all my loved ones back at home and makes me a lot less lonely.
You should have a look at it because I’m loving it!
X Sofia
Bonjour Kate! There is so many things you said that is TRUE and thank you for saying them.
Being an expat wife is hard…Thru the years I had to recreate myself every time in every countries. I jumped on opportunities when I could but still, my resume is not a very commun one and with all those different experiences I don’t get a proper professional „title“ of my own. I have felt judged by people who don’t agree with what I do. The truth is, I feel so blessed to have this kinda life but at the same time I feel ashamed every time I enjoy myself…I can hear them in my head mocking me because I should be working instead. but I AM STRONG and my husband knows it too, we are a team and we want to make the most of it. I just wish that I would get some kind of recognition, some kind of positive „label“ because I (and 1.5 million women) deserve it. Anyway, next stop Mexico, who knows what this new experience will bring 😉
Karine (from Montreal, Quebec, Canada)
OMG! You got me with those voices in your head while you are enjoying something, telling you you should be working. I am there, surrounded by “empowered” women (better said, they pretend to be empowered and loving to work because the truth is that they can’t afford not to) staring at me with pity eyes and asking me “what do you do all day? “Don’t you want to work?”. They are killing me. I know the theory but in practice, they are killing my peace.
Hi Kate
I too was an expatriate wife but from the US. My husband worked a lot in Central and South America in very hard to reach places because he was in mining. I loved our adventures, every couple of years we moved to another country, which would be very different even though it was all the Spanish-speaking world. My husband passed away six months ago and his children want me to write down the stories of our experiences. When I first stopped working, I felt lost without the identity I had created as a working woman, but overtime I began to enjoy our adventures and it was really sad when we couldn’t do that anymore. I don’t think you need to worry about giving yourself a label to be understood. Just say I’m along for the ride and soaking up the culture for the book I am writing—even you don’t currently have a book you are writing. apologize You do not have to apologize for any choices you have made. Enjoy the ride!!
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I WANT EVERYONE ON INTERNET TO HEAR THIS GOOD NEWS DR UWAIFO SPELL TEMPLE HELP ME WIN $90 MILLION MEGA LOTTERY TEXT NUMBER:+1(315) 277-2762 I am Sean William from Union City, New Jersey. Today, I am grateful to say that my life has changed dramatically. This accomplishment is one of the biggest turning points in my life. Just a few months ago, things were really tough and I had lost almost everything, life became so overwhelming that feeding myself was even a struggle. One day, while searching for hope and guidance, I came across Dr Uwaifo page and saw testimonies of how he helps people win mega millions through his spell casting gift. I contacted him and told him everything happening in my life, he assured me to stay calm and told me what to do. I did everything and he gave me the winning number. When the draw was out, I won $90 million mega millions. I’m grateful to Dr Uwaifo for this financial breakthrough that completely turned my situation around.
His Text: +1(315) 277-2762
Email:druwaifospelltemple@gmail.com
I gave it all i had to make it work in my marriage but he still left me and our kids. His family fought for me and still nothing changed and he left broken and sad. I manage to keep going on with the hope everything will get better for us one day and he will be back to you. He is a great father to the kids and i had great belief i will see him return back to us. I was lucky enough to got in contact with Dr Isikolo who indeed knew how to fix the problem and he did and to my surprise, my husband came back home to me. I am still amazed how it was possible but indeed this true. The result of his work is assured to manifest after 48 hours. My husband returned and i know better Dr Isikolo is truly a honest man anyone can trust. He is good in his job of fixing problems between partner and have them get back together again. You can read about his works or contact him on his page: https://isikolo-temple.com, or might as well text him via WhatsApp on: +2348133261196
I’m wishing good fortune to everyone who comes across this comment! I went bankrupt last year due to failed business ideas. I used to enjoy playing the lottery for fun but as my situation worsened financially, I sought help to win big this time and found a man called MEDUZA, who has assisted numerous individuals worldwide with their financial issues. This man prepared a powerful spell for me that enabled him to get the secrete lucky numbers for me, I played the game with the numbers and to my astonishment, I discovered that I had won $259 million Jackpot after 2 weeks just has he said `Today, I’m now free of debt and I own different investments globally. Without Meduza, I wouldn’t have made it through the tough times I experienced last year. Truly, MEDUZA is a divine presence among us. If you are currently struggling in aspect of your life reach out to MEDUZA through the below information’s.
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Email: lordmeduzatemple@hotmail.com
Website: lordmeduzatemple.com
If i had known that there is a possibility of getting my dream man, i would not have wasted my time with a lot of men. I instantly fell deeply in love with my boss right from my first day at work and for over a year, it got deeper. He was very rich, humble and single. I tried all i could to make him look my way but all was in vain. 3 months ago, i found a comment of Ilekhojie and how he helps people navigate feeling and how best to express it. I reached out to him and explain my situation and how much i loved my boss and i also asked him to see further if he likes me. He performed supplications on my behalf, created a pathway for us to express how we feel about each other and within a few days, my boss asked me out on a date and fast forward to today, we are happy in love and he has been the best thing that has happened to me. All these were made possible with help of Ilekhojie. If you are like me, you do not have to let your feelings die when Ilekhojie can help you. Send him a message on his Email gethelp05@gmail.com or Whatsapp +2348147400259
I’M So Excited Right Now, My Lover is Back!!! I want to recommended, Dr. odumeje as most reliable spell caster you should contact today, Dr. odumeje spells Is 100% Effective, and has no Side effects., I came across some of his testimonies online and how he helped a lot of people bring back their loved ones Back, So i contacted Dr. odumeje & he cast an Amazing Reconciliation Spell for me.. He brought back my lover to me Under A Space of 15 hours just like he Promised & Assured me… I remain Grateful Dr. Odumeje, You Did it .. You can contact him today and get your problem solved him WhatsApp’s +2349064108102 VIA odumejetemple@gmail.com
THANK YOU
I recommend this Psychic/Astrologist Tanya Debo (info.debo.org@gmail.com), who helped me bring back my Husband after years of separation.
With my desperation and relentless effort to get him back, i was scammed severally by fake online spell casters and psychic spiritualists and imposters who also operate pages and groups on social media just to defraud people. Such was my ordeal until my Aunty recommended Psychic Tanya Debo to me. She is a gifted spell caster, traditional healer and spiritualist. She also helped me out with other issues i was battling with in my personal life. My husband is back to me and the kids and we are a one happy 😊family in peace, love, joy and Harmony. As a matter of fact, my husband gave me password to his phone and i have full access to his phones and computer. He totally cut off the other woman who once took him away from me for years. Tanya Debo, you are the best online spell caster and i will continue to testify about your great works. You can reach her through this email address: info.debo.org@gmail.com Call/Whatsapp +2348101793937.
Tanya Debo also have solutions to the below situations and i strongly believe her, because i am a living testimony. I have also recommended some friends to her and they happy now, because Tanya Debo Helped them solve their problems. You can contact her for any help, she is very powerful and can solve the below problems and with 100% guarantee results.
Do you want your EX lover back?
Pregnancy Spells
Spells to protect you from Gun shot Or Any Form Of Sharp Objects
Spells For Third-party Removal/Unwanted interference Removal
Spell for your husband to appreciate you
Spell to get famous
Spells to grow business excessively
Spells to get a Job
Spells to get a husband
Spells to Win Court Case
Spells to get your loved ones out of prison
promotion spells
Protection Spells
Spells to win Lottery
Tanya Debo, you are the best online love spell caster to help people. And I will continue to testify about your great works.
Ich empfehle die Hellseherin/Astrologin Tanya Debo (info.debo.org@gmail.com), die mir geholfen hat, meinen Mann nach Jahren der Trennung zurückzugewinnen. In meiner Verzweiflung und mit meinen unermüdlichen Bemühungen, ihn zurückzubekommen, wurde ich mehrfach von falschen Online-Zauberern und spirituellen Beratern betrogen, die auch Seiten und Gruppen in sozialen Medien betreiben, nur um Menschen zu betrügen. So ging es mir, bis meine Tante mir die Hellseherin Tanya Debo empfahl. Sie ist eine begabte Zauberin, traditionelle Heilerin und spirituelle Beraterin. Sie half mir auch bei anderen Problemen in meinem Privatleben. Mein Mann ist wieder bei mir und den Kindern, und wir sind eine glückliche Familie in Frieden, Liebe, Freude und Harmonie. Tatsächlich hat mir mein Mann das Passwort für sein Handy gegeben, und ich habe vollen Zugriff auf seine Telefone und seinen Computer. Er hat den Kontakt zu der anderen Frau, die ihn mir einst jahrelang weggenommen hatte, komplett abgebrochen. Tanya Debo, du bist die beste Online-Zauberin, und ich werde weiterhin von deinen großartigen Fähigkeiten berichten. Du erreichst sie unter dieser E-Mail-Adresse: info.debo.org@gmail.com oder telefonisch/per WhatsApp unter +2348101793937.
Tanya Debo bietet auch Lösungen für die folgenden Situationen, und ich vertraue ihr voll und ganz, denn ich bin der lebende Beweis dafür. Ich habe sie auch einigen Freunden empfohlen, und sie sind jetzt glücklich, weil Tanya Debo ihnen geholfen hat, ihre Probleme zu lösen. Du kannst sie für jede Hilfe kontaktieren, sie ist sehr mächtig und kann die folgenden Probleme mit 100%iger Erfolgsgarantie lösen.
Möchtest du deinen Ex-Partner zurückgewinnen?
Zauber für eine Schwangerschaft
Zauber zum Schutz vor Schussverletzungen oder Verletzungen durch scharfe Gegenstände
Zauber zur Abwehr unerwünschter Einmischung
Zauber, damit Ihr Ehemann Sie wertschätzt
Zauber für Ruhm
Zauber für übermäßigen Geschäftserfolg
Zauber für einen Job
Zauber, um einen Ehemann zu finden
Zauber, um einen Gerichtsprozess zu gewinnen
Zauber, um Ihre Lieben aus dem Gefängnis zu befreien
Beförderungszauber
Schutzzauber
Zauber, um im Lotto zu gewinnen
Tanya Debo, Sie sind die beste Online-Liebeszauberin und helfen Menschen. Ich werde weiterhin von Ihren großartigen Werken berichten.
I’m grateful for the positive change I experienced after working with Ilekhojie. My relationship with my ex had completely broken down, and every attempt to reconnect only made things worse. Through Ilekhojie’s guidance, I learned the importance of patience and self-reflection. Over a few days we began talking again, resolved old misunderstandings, and rebuilt the trust we had lost. Today, our relationship is healthier, more respectful and stronger than before. I’m thankful for the support I received throughout the process. While every situation is different and results is always guaranteed, my experience gave me hope and a second chance at rebuilding an important relationship. I sincerely appreciate Ilekhojie’s role in helping reconcile with my ex boyfriend. You can contact him through Whatsapp +2348147400259 or Email: gethelp05@gmail.com
For over a year now, I have been struggling to fix my marriage with my husband. I have been emotionally drained and labeled an infidel because my husband got wrong information on me that I cheated which was totally false. We had several fights and my home became unsafe for raising my kids and it has affected me so bad. His family are not totally on my side and that makes it worse. I knew at this point I needed help to make him focus on me and us again. I was afraid of loosing him and I had to contact Dr Isikolo. This man indeed showed me how possible it is for his love spell to reunite partners and see the union between them great again. He worked for me and fix the problem I had with my husband and I can tell you for a fact I am a happy woman again all because of Dr Isikolo. My husband is more of a better partner and father to my kids now and it gladdens my heart. Thank you Dr Isikolo and I hope God enable you to continue to help others. Go through his webpage: https://isikolo-temple.com or text him via WhatsApp +2348133261196.
Hello everyone am Gary Van I want to use this medium to appreciate a great spell caster called Dr Ogaga that transformed my life financially, I used to work as driver in a company and I always play lotto but I have never been lucky, then one day as I was glancing through the Internet I came across a testimony of a woman who won $60million through the help of a strong spell caster called Dr Ogaga after praying for her he gave her a lucky numbers to play and she won $60million I also decided to try my luck I contacted the Dr Ogaga and he promise he was going to help me win too I didn’t actually believed 100% but on the second thought I decided to give it a try He instructed me on what I need to do which I did with no stress at all, then after two day he sent me some numbers and asked me to go and play them I went strait to the store and play the numbers then I went back to check when the results were out, behold my numbers came out as the winning numbers it was like a dream to me, even till now I still fined it difficult to believe that I am now a millionaire from being a driver to being a millionaire all thank to Dr Ogaga I will never forget your help, if you are out there and you also want to be a winner I will advice you to also contact Dr Ogaga and I promise you he will not disappoint you at all. Here are his contacts. Email ogagaodia41@gmail. com
WhatsApp +1(365)350-5955.